Character

Character flaws

Anyone who knows me I am sure knows about my life as a child and growing up and the challenges I faced and how I dealt with them. Honestly I truly feel that a person's up bringing is the very definition of their character. For example, I cannot budget to save my life. I can't balance a checkbook, and have very little savings for retirement. That would only be because I have accounts that I can't touch. That would be character flaw in my opinion. Today I was thinking to myself about my father. He works overnight for a trash company here in Kansas City, and is only available to talk over night. Since I am on unemployment this works out well, because since I was about 17 we haven't really spoke on a consistent basis. This is due to many reasons really, but anyway we have finally started talking more lately then about the usual "Chiefs Talk". 

My dad was not always the most supportive person in the world with the exception of paying his child support over the years. That is not a bad thing, and I don't think he would ever do anything intentionally to hurt my feelings. He just hasn't be the best person to go to when it came to my sexuality. I am a gay man, I was brought up that everyone is different and to accept everyone as they are. That is what my parent's unified front always taught me. My mother has gay relatives, Dad never seemed to be bothered by this, until the day I came out to them. Mom freaked as I am sure many of your parents out there have, but dad really didn't seem to bothered by this. In fact I believe his reaction was "son, you are mine and I love you. It is no big deal, we are a team". That was supportive and amazing! I am sure you can imagine how excited I was when he said that, and left it at that. 

Fast forward about ten years, I had the dream job! Making excellent money, doing minimal work, and on top of the world. A bachelor with the world at my fingertips. The dark day came, the boss called us in to the office to let us know that we are closing operation in Overland Park, and my position as well as 24 others was over. As most folks due I went out to find comfort in some Rum and Cokes at the local watering hole in Midtown KC. I started to get emotional as the night went on and left the bar, walked the longest route home that I could to "think". I call good old dad, to talk, of course about more than the Chiefs. I was upset of course and after I told him of the situation. His reaction would surprise you, I know it shocked the hell out of me! He said "Son, you aren't living life right". I paused, and reacted with "What exactly to mean by that dad?". Knowing damn good and well what he meant. 

He basically was telling me that I needed to stop this "gay stuff" and turn to Jesus Christ, ya know take him in as my savior. My jaw about hit the floor when I heard this. My dad that my entire life up to this point had been telling me that basically "diversity is you savior, and your lifestyle is fine just be a good person". Just told me that I needed to "turn or burn". Totally shocked I couldn't talk and allowing him to go on. "You need to get away from the homosexual life style. It is sin, and filth. You are going to end up in hell and I will never get to see you again in the kingdom of heaven. I want you to go to your nearest church and turn in this life for the one that was meant for you." I was angry to say the least. The absolute worst part though was that I was hurt. My hero, my rock, my favorite person in the world that had never said a harsh word to me just told me the worst thing he could ever say. The guy that literally would cry with me the 4 times he ever spanked me growing up was telling me that I needed to make a change. He really didn't like what I had to say in response to this. 

In a teared voice I managed to mutter the following dialogue " Dad, you have completely disappointed me. You know better then to talk to me about something of this nature without being fully informed and doing your homework. You of all people know that I have studied the bible, and worked for years to determine how the religion works. Did your wife tell you this stuff, or did you read it yourself?" He then replies, well I learned it while I was becoming ordained." I then, in a snide voice say "I am ordained dad, anyone with an Internet connection can become ordained, that is a joke." He keeping his calm, because he always does, said  "well all I know is that the bible says the murderers, rapists, child molesters, thieves, and the homosexuals are all going to burn eternally". I asked for the specific verse that it says "homosexuals" specifically. He couldn't say because he was working, and didn't have time to look in his bible. I was quick on the draw to let him know that there is no word for homosexual, or act of homosexuality, or anything pertaining to the falling in love/having sex with the same sex in Arabic. (the original language of the bible that was translated to English) The king James version was the first written text to publish the famous quote of the bible " Thou shalt not lie with another man as he does with a woman, for it is an abomination to god." That was discredited anyway because it was a Jewish Rabi code of conduct, and a few lines from that it said that you are supposed to kill a woman for speaking her mind, or cut someones hand off for stealing. Therefore it no longer applies, and it was made up in the first place. Homosexuality actually predates religion! It has been around since the beginning of time, its more natural then trying to live your life out of a book with an impossible set of rules that is just set to keep people "in line" because some people in the world needs something to "watch" them to stay out of trouble. At this time I was so furious I just said, " I can't handle talking to you about this subject dad... You have become so judgemental and ridiculous that you have become someone different. I really don't know you anymore" then hung up the phone. 

I then went home and balled my eyes out realizing that my father had lost his mind. My dad really hurt me that night, I didn't get back in touch with him for at least a month. After a real good cry (real men cry, just not in front of anyone else LOL) I was trying to think of reasons he had made such a huge change in beliefs in ten years. After about an hour I was tootling around on Facebook, and bam, it hit me! My step Mother, she has to be the crazy one. Every tree has to have a root right? So I got on her face book, and looked around. This is a direct quote I found on her "info" page... John 3:16-Don't put a question mark where God has put a period and Acceptance does not mean approval. DUH, that wasn't my dad talking, it was the Demon of a wife that he has. We never really got along until I reached 18 years old and dad stopped paying child support. Then she wanted to by my best friend saying things like "I love you, and I really want to spend time with you". I have really never given in to this request (nor will I, as she really ruined my relationship with my dad). I think this may have been the plan all along, let me explain (this may go on for a while, but another interesting story). 

So my step mother, Married my dad when I was three years old. I am now 27. So they have been married for 28 years. In the early years, I really didn't care much for her, but put on an act because in order to see my dad I had to see her. So it was just a part of the game. None of my grandparents liked her at all. Biological mom's side and my father's side. In fact my great grandmother on my Dad's side loathed the woman. Her name was Mary Miller, god rest her soul. She is the very reason I have no problem giving my opinion without a filter. I have learned to only give it when asked though, she did not follow that guide line. Anyway, they would constantly butt heads (Step Mom, and grandma), I always found it to be funny and didn't get the full picture until later. After My step mother convinced my father to buy a house in a horrible neighborhood, with urban schools and kind of a rough crowd, she then decided it would be a good idea to adopt 4 kids. Keep in mind she is a much older woman then my father, and had two girls that were already out of the house, one in college, and one waiting tables (I in no way am saying there is anything wrong with waiting tables, I have done it myself). These children are very emotionally, and physically abused. They needed a lot of help, help that in all honesty they could not provide. I mean they had me still in school, and had already raised two other older kids. They did it anyway (bless their hearts, that was in the right place). That was when things really took a major turn for the worse. The house was messy, constantly, and S-mom would not clean. She then (I am guessing through depression) started hoarding. Grandma with her old world beliefs would come over to do the dishes and clean to help out. While she was there S-mom would pick fights with her by being exceptionally mean to me. I was a kid, and I was going to do silly things. Not the typical silly things you would think of though. For example I was a bit of a talker (still am), there were times I just couldn't shut up because i like to socialize. Grandma used to say "you are going to be the politician that changes the world some day" with a huge smile. Little did she know, LOL. S-mom would yell at me to "shut the hell up! I am trying to watch

Dad worked overnights on those weekends in the beginning so I would sometimes get to spend the night out with him in his service truck, talking, laughing, sharing our lives from the week before. They were great times, sometimes I would even get to see some pretty neat stuff! I would always get the same care package around lunch break Andy Cap's hot fries (still my favorite!) and a Surge soda, til that went away, then it was Mountain Dew. I always remember pulling up to the house while the sun was coming up and going into the house while the sun was coming up. I would get maybe 2 hours before the kids would wake me up watching TV, and I was the rude one for politely asking that they play in their rooms or something til I wake up. It was just such a mess. There was even a time in particular that grandma came to get me and we made some cookies, and I would help her around the house with some chores, she returned me to hell when it was close to time for Dad to get up and go to work. She warned me not to leave the tin can of cookies at the house when I went back to my mom's for the week. The weekend went on, and I forget them. Just like clock work, I get home from school to a voice message on our answering machine (yes, you read that right... An answering machine!) saying "Josh, She gave those cookies to the kids! I know she would, Ol' Bitch". I played it for all my friends, and family. It was quite hysterical. Again though I still did not quite grasp how evil this woman is. Time marched on a few evens happened in between, one in particular was one summer I was forced to stay there for an entire month. BRUTAL! The end of that stay came early after I had made a very big mistake and called one of the neighborhood kids a terrible name. There was an immediate reaction by my parents, first I got my ass kicked. Then I had to apologize to the kid. After that I felt that I had learned my lesson, I even made steps to try and become friends with him. My s-mom decides (on her own, then later convince my dad when he got home from work that this was the best course of action) to force me to learn my multiplication tables. I wasn't proficient in math anyway, I barely passed the subject in school and lost it by then because I hated it. Two weeks go by, and my s-mom decides to call my real mom and tell her that I was sneaking out of the house, running away, and even drinking with friends. I was not doing any of those things at my dad's. I was doing that with my friends at my mom's house in the country. Mom drove over to the house, picked me up, and told the s-mom that she was a liar and if she ever tried to punish her kid she would regret it. 

I was just ready to go home, as I was getting in the car I hear my s-mom shout "go ahead and take that selfish mamma's boy home, we don't want him in our home anyway". When grandma found out about this situation, she showed up that night at my dad's house and told her to stay away from me, and anything she wanted to deal with to call her, even if its in the middle of the night. I didn't go back over there for a couple months, I was away on a scouting trip to Monkey Mountain park in Missouri when it happened. Grandma Mary died peacefully in her sleep. When I got back on Sunday I had a feeling something was wrong, when I was trying to tell mom what a great time I had and she just kept agreeing with me all the way home. I got home and my Grandma Betty (mom's mom) was sitting on the porch waiting for me. They told me they had something to tell me, and then let me in on the secret. I immediately started crying, my defender, my inspiration, a personal friend of Harry Truman's had died. This intensified things at my dad's, the first time I was back over there after the funeral, my s-mom pulled me aside and said "now that she is dead, no one will believe you if you tell them I am mean, including your dad. You are just a selfish inconsiderate no body, and you will be treated that way. Don't ever think you will get away with anything, I will be watching you." by this time I was getting close to driving, and was finally starting to get why my grandmother didn't like her. I was backed into a corner, and was sick of it, so I let her know "You have made me uncomfortable in my dad's house for a long time. I am not going to tolerate it any longer. You don't scare me, you are just a bully. I would suspect this has been the case your whole life, and I am a bully basher. I am going to back your bully, Jesus freaked mind up a bit and let you know that this is MY father's house which gives me full access to anything I want or need while I am here. You just need to stay the hell out of the way of our relationship you have already ruined it enough you psychotic bitch!" I left and walked to my grandma's that lived close by. I told her of what had happened and she drove me home. We honestly didn't speak much after that, I wouldn't say she was scared of me, but she definitely knew I was on to her. The next time I was over, dad got home early in the morning (because of insurance purposes I couldn't go to work with him anymore). Just like normal he tells me to go warm up the car, So I did (I was starting to drive for practice with my parents in order to get my license). He would come home and we would drive up to the doughnut shop to get a dozen and he would always get me a strawberry milk, a tradition that started when I was like 5 (as far as the milk). Dad came out of the house with 2 of the kids. My heart sank, she had guilt tripped him into taking the others with us. So we get to the store and the Baker asked "a strawberry milk for the boy?" (as he handed the box over the counter). Then the other two screamed "yeah we want one too!" Dad looked horridly upset, and looked at me, then back to the baker "not this week". We turned and walked out, dad pulled me to the side "I am sorry son, I just don't have the money" I replied, "its ok dad, I understand!" 

So flash forward to now, and its the same thing. She has been manipulating him into believing that he is some sort of god fighter on earth, and that his own son is the enemy. He recently told me that Muslims are moving to take over our government, and eventually we will have sharia law enforced here . He also was a part of the rapture craze. My father was the main person that helped me learn that Black people are friends, and great people in the world. I have the accepting views because of him. Now he is saying that Black people are over using government systems like welfare, food stamps and unemployment. Unfortunately he his being lead by an evil demon of a wife that is going end up with him being very alone. I can only hope that one day he will realize what is happening and come back to his senses. 

In conclusion there is just one thing I have to say to this woman. "You are plain evil, you have stood in the way of my relationship with my father. For that, how dare you? I am his flesh and blood. His blood runs through my veins, he gave me life. I am him reborn. You may be jealous about that, or just hate me because I am polite, articulate, and can hold a great conversation with even the most educated people in the world. I want you to stay away from him, and let him have the relationship with his son that he deserves and longs for. Please stay away from me for sure, and leave me alone. I have nothing to say to you, and have nothing to gain from a relationship with you. You are an evil demon that does not deserve the angelic, and sweet nature that my father has about him in your life. I am his only born son, and you getting in the way is the worst thing you could do, but most important, I forgive you. Thats right, a athiest, good law abiding citizen forgives you, not because god says so, but because it is just the right thing to do" Thats all....